dieter giesbrecht

About to bolt the seats back in and head to NC. Tonight Iapos;ll crash in Wilmington and work from a random beach-side coffee shop tomorrow before driving up to Raleigh. Other than working from coffeeshops around town, my week is unplanned. Since Deb is in full-on writer mode, Iapos;m planning on spreading myself around a little to stay out of her hair, so if you have crash space and donapos;t mind a crazy woman with a fist full of beads occupying your abode for a night or two, ping now. :D

Also, if youapos;re free next Saturday, I could use help dropping the car off for shipping, a ride to dim sum, and a drop off at the airport.

Post here, or email me at gee-mail.

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ceteareth 5

Ladies
i am official. I have a user picture

this is actually a very large (approximately 3 feet high by five feet wide) charcoal and ink "self study" about me and my eating disorder...i drew it about four years ago when this nightmare was just beginning. I had no idea that it WAS just the beginning then. I hate looking back, seeing my hopes, my belief that "health" and "recovery" were "just around the corner" dashed so many many times to the ground. This drawing is basically a visual auto-biography. In the background are ink prints of specific journal entries of mine that i carefully chose, images that haunt my mind, including a picture of a scale and certain foods, crossword puzzles that my family created for me, about me while i was in treatment that first time and, of course, the figure itself, me, shadowed by a skeleton. Me and my eating disorder. I look at the girl in the drawing now and wish i could go back and save her, protect her from that skeleton that seeks to consume her. I am much closer to being that skeleton now than i was then. I look more like "him" than her. And the thing is, when i drew the picture i thought losing weight would make me happier. But the truth is, the more "skeletol" i have gotten the sadder, the more lonely, the more distraught i have become. This disease is evil, and though i hesitate to use words like "evil" and "devil" and "holy" and "god" i do believe that if there is a devil, "he" lives in the form of eating disorders and the power that food wields over us is an evil, lifeless one. Someday i am going to do another self portrait and it will be one of VICTORY. There will be no skeleton in the background. I do not know what that "emma" will look like yet, both physically and interiorly, but that second self portrait will triumph over the one that lives now.
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ailen vs predator 2

I havenapos;t listened to the violent femmes in forever.

you can all just kiss off into the air
behind my back i can see them stare
theyapos;ll hurt me bad but i wonapos;t mind
theyapos;ll hurt me bad, they do it all the time

so. Iapos;m really frustrated.

i know itapos;s already friday. But iapos;m still thinking about tuesday and how much bs it was.

i had to work with douchey mcdouchebagerson. In the time it took me to help like 7 people in the customer service desk line, he helped 2 pretty girls and spent some time talking their ears off. Just chatting... Letting me do all the work. And then later, i was helping a girl with a western union and he helped other people this is true. But he was chatting her up the whole time. I was just like, what the hell?

i got overtime cuz evelyn called in late. I started at 630am. She finally came in at 430 and almost instantaneously, jason was like, K can i take my break now... And as soon as evelyn was finished setting up she was like, youapos;re here till 5? and i was like, iapos;ve been here all day iapos;m going ASAP and she asked if i wouldnapos;t mind her stepping out for a few minutes. She left me until 5 and jason didnapos;t make it back too much sooner. I was so PISSED OFF. My cashiers needed pickups and stuff. But i couldnapos;t do anything because i was all by myself. It was such bullshit.

iapos;m so sick of being the only one that actually works there. Iapos;m so done. Done done done done... The next time jasonapos;s too busy chatting up a girl, iapos;m just gonna scream at him. I was so frustrated i couldnapos;t look at him but next time iapos;m just going to tell him if heapos;s not going to work then he can go home. And the next time evelyn asks me if she can "step outside for a few minutes" iapos;m going to walk away. Iapos;ll just walk. Thatapos;s how effing frustrated i am.

itapos;s bullshit.

nothing short of bullshit.

i played a lot of ddr today to try to forget about it but i canapos;t forget about it. ERLACK his face make me want to VOMMIT

i researched other careers today. Iapos;m really tempted to quit my job before the holidays. Suzanne would be so screwed. But idk. Thatapos;s kinda mean.

iapos;ve been called the cinderella of that store for too long though. Iapos;m just... I donapos;t even like working there half the time anymore.

thereapos;s a million things id rather do than have to work with jason and/or evelyn again and that includes gauging my eyes out with rusty nails and/or ripping my hair out by the handfuls and shoving it down my own throat. Iapos;d rather eat my foot while itapos;s still attatched. Iapos;d rather be trampled by a stampedede of wildabeast and survive. Iapos;d rather pour acid on my face and post pictures on myspace. Their faces make me want to vommit. Theyapos;re worthless people. Absolutely worthless.

k k i think iapos;m done.

today dustin and i had breakfast. We ate french toast and i had hot chocolate.

but at the end of the day i still think about all the stuff that pisses me off and it sucks.

i won giftcards today. I won $25 for placing second in the guitar hero competition. And i won $10 for the monthly drawings we do. Whenever youapos;re appreciated someone writes you a card to put in a raffle and i guess susan wrote like, 50 for me. So i won.

but i still think about all that stuff that pisses me off. And it sucks.

i canapos;t have a good day.

i guess things could be worse. I could have aids. I could be criminally insane... Sometimes i wish i was cuz then it wouldnapos;t matter what i did or said or who i killed cuz "Poor loriapos;s just out of her goddamn mind."

ew, whatapos;s wrong with me?
ailen vs predator 2.

aromatherapy retail

I am so happy because I finished Twilight at 12:00 am Yesterday or should we say TODAY. I am so happy happy happy, and then today I went shopping. I got 2 new shirts and 2 liquid eyeliners :). And I did my hw, which makes me even calmer. The ending of Twilight was okay but not great. People say New Moon, kills the story and so does Breaking Dawn. But IDK because I havenapos;t read it yet. Iapos;ll try and check out New Moon at the library tomorrow, hopefully they are copies left. And I will say bye. Iapos;ll post a comment tomorrow at computer class lol.


PEACE�OUT


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arezzo dog friendly rental vacation

"The grime was no manapos;s grime but death and human locomotives, all that dress of dust, that veil of darkened railroad skin, that smog of cheek, that eyelid of black misapos;ry, that sooty hand or phallus or protuberance of artificial worse-than-dirt-industrial-modern-all that civilization spotting your crazy golden crown" -- Sunflower Sutra (Ginsberg 36).

"...I telephoned the lawyers saying I�was shipping out on the sailing ship �Balclutha and wouldnapos;t be back until they tore down the Embarcadero Freeway along with the rest of petroleum civilization..." -- Great American Waterfront Poem (Ferlinghetti 55).

Both poets have written material about industrialism, and how its technology has had a negative impact on the city. In Sunflower Sutra, Ginsberg describes a dead sunflower and how it is covered in dark grime, due to surrounding pollution. Technology has, in this instance, destroyed a part of nature. Ginsberg feels sorry for the sunflower and wants it to prevail. The sunflower itself is not only a metaphor for nature, but people as well, and how they are becoming consumers and forgetting their humanity. He asks the sunflower, "when did you forget you were a flower?" and says also that�"weapos;re all beautiful golden sunflowers inside"�(Ginsberg 37 and 38).�He wants people to remember that there is life outside of an industrialist, consumerist society, so that they are not corrupted by it.

In Great American Waterfront Poem, Ferlinghetti is adamant about having the Embarcadero Freeway torn down. He refers to it as a part of "petroleum society," implying that it causes pollution as petroleum does. It allows actual air pollution by transporting more cars through the city, but it also poisons the atmosphere of the city by being an eyesore.�He wants it gone, so that the cityapos;s former beauty can be reinstated.

Question 1:�Is San�Francisco now lost to the capitalist, industrial society, or does it still have a free-spirit that Ginsberg and Ferlinghetti would approve of?

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arousal level

7 days to get my affairs into order before I climb the gravity well.�A climb that has been compared to suicide for many magi.�It takes just a moment of indescression away from the manasphere to lose myself to the void. The image of my very soul boiling away in the astral vacuum is nearly nightmare giving.

�I need to refamiliarise myself with freefall, see if there is a jump simulator available to the public in the area.�Irsquo;ll also need to see if I can book a few rides in a vomit comet.�I donrsquo;t like the idea of posing as a free fall sec crew and not being able to handle basic null-g maneuvers.�Everyone may want to start anti vertigo meds now. Zeke should be able to provide those if asked/bribed nicely.�The last thing we need is to find out that one or more of us nonadaptive free fall disorder.�There are those who canrsquo;t handle null-g.�It would be embarrassing.

As for the larger problem.�The Foundation needs to be made aware of the malignant cancer that is controlling Spider, and of the metasticy that is growing within Trimany.�I believe that they are connected, and if one can be dealt with, the other will resolve.�This is a problem that I cannot deal with alone.�It would be like doing brain surgery with a broadsword.�Neither of the girls would survive. �Atleast I was able to get all of my valuables out of the old place before Spider decided to blow me up.�She still might get the broadsword treatment for that.

Now for some mundane time.�Saber practice, several good hard workouts, get back to gymnastics class.�I can spend some time finally catching up on foundation research reports, a good book, finish unpacking.�The list is never ending, letrsquo;s just see if I can go a few days without having to kill or maim someone.�Heaven is enough sack time and no bloodstains.

--Evan

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